A Christmas Tale
by Miss Interrogative
Summary: Dr. Crane is planning something bad, The Joker is showing off his horrible Christmas caroling skills, and Harvey is determined in drowning his holiday sorrow in sugar. A Christmas Fic.
1. Chapter 1

Spent my Christmas putting this story together. Just a sweet story about Christmas schemes, Crane's search for the holiday spirit, the Joker's terrible singing skills, and Harvey's desperate attempts at drowning his sorrows away in sugar. Written in script like style because it's time efficient.

As always, I don't own these characters. I wish I did though.

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Ahh Christmas; A time for overgrown men to dress as elves, radio stations to play Christmas tunes until you stick candy canes into your ears, and if you live in a place like Gotham, it is a time for eeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil. Currently it was Dr. Jonathan Crane who was doing the evil plotting. He rushed around in the kitchen of his apartment concocting his plan. There was a knock at the door.

Crane: Go away!

The knocking continues.

Crane: Whatever it is you are selling I don't want it! Go away!

The knocking becomes louder until it becomes pounding at the door.

Crane: (grabs his mask and begins walking to the door) Really now, what part of _go away _don't you understand?

Before Crane makes it to the door, the door is smashed off its hinges and a strange device flies in through the doorway. The timer on the device reads 00:10

Crane: EEEEEEEE!!! BOMB!!!

Crane dives under his kitchen table and covers his head with his hands. The timer counts down and Crane braces for the explosion. 00:05…00:04…00:03…00:02…00:01…_Click._

A harmless gas pours out of the device. Crane sighs heavily and clunks his head down in relief.

Joker: If that _had_ been a real bomb, how much protection do you think hiding under that table would have given you, hmm?

Crane looks out from under the table and sees the Joker standing there sporting a Santa hat and holding gifts.

Crane: (crawls out from under the table and notices his broken door) Sigh…you owe me a new door.

Joker: But I made up for that by bringing _presents_!

Crane: No.

Joker: That not enough for you? Well look what else I brought! Harvey!!

Harvey walks in through the doorway carrying a very old, brown, and dying Christmas tree. It looks like something the Joker might have been saving from three Christmases ago.

Harvey: Merry Christmas Jonathan! Where should I put this tree?

Crane: In the dumpster.

Joker: Now now, this is your tree. And I even have a star to go on top of it (pulls a star top out of his coat).

Crane: Joker, that isn't even a tree. It's a dead branch that doesn't even have any thistles on it left. And even if it was an actual tree, I'd tell you I don't want it anyways. Now throw it away before—HARVEY I SAID I DON'T WANT IT!

Harvey: (setting the tree in the living room) Aww, but you need some seasonal decorations.

Joker: I'll set the presents under the tree! Tah-dah!

Crane: (dropping his head in his hands) Both of you, I don't have time to for this. I'm busy!!

Joker: Aww, but it's Christmas eve! Don't you want to spend it with your bestest friends?

Crane: First off, we are not friends. Why don't you understand that? And second, I am _busy_.

Harvey: Hey, what about me? Aren't we friends?

Crane: Only on the days you are not complaining about how depressed you are.

Joker: What could you possibly be so busy with on Christmas Eve that you can't even enjoy your friends?

Crane: I'm baking cookies.

Crane points out the kitchen which is filled with a variety of baking ingredients and equipment. Bowls of cookie dough mix, eggs, sprinkles, icing, butter…absolutely delicious!!

Joker: Ah yes, I can tell by that apron you're wearing. AHAHAHA!!!

Crane looks down at the apron he completely forgot he was wearing. Aww, cutesy Crane wearing a cutesy apron.

Joker: Nice to know that I'm not the only one who enjoys wearing girl clothing.

Crane: Hey! Aprons are unisex!

Joker: That's _exactly_ what I said about the nurse outfit but no one believed me!

Harvey stood in the background shuddering from nurse Joker memories (Peh, even though he probably enjoyed it. Come on, who wouldn't?)

Joker: So Crane, tell us. What is all this about?

Crane: Well, I'm mixing in my fear toxin into these Christmas cookies. There is going to be a Christmas food drive later today in Downtown Gotham and anyone who eats my cookies will be poisoned. There will be people running wild in Gotham all through Christmas! It's the perfect plan!

Joker: Perfect except for one aspect.

Crane: Oh? And what's that?

Joker: _We_ aren't involved.

Harvey: Yeah, why don't we have any part in this? Why are you hogging the fun?

Crane: Get your own evil scheme. This is my idea.

Harvey: How about we help make the cookies? Making a couple hundred cookies, you might need some help.

Joker: Toasty-face has a point there. How about it?

Crane: No. Get out and take your dead Christmas tree with you.

Joker: Pleeeeeeeeeeease?

Crane: No.

Joker: Please with a cherry on top? Or maybe dynamite on top!

Crane: _No_.

Harvey: Heads we stay no matter what you say, tails we'll leave you be.

Crane: (sigh) Fine. But you better not come back.

And flip goes the coin! It spins and spins and spins and spins and…

Harvey: (grabs the coin) HEADS!

The Joker jumps for joy and Crane looks like he is about to strangle him. But he doesn't. Poor Crane knows he can't.

Crane: Okay fine. You can stay but you better not mess anything up. This has to be done by tonight.

Joker: I pinky promise you that I won't mess this up!

Harvey: Yeah, honestly.

Crane: Fine, fine. You can help. Just remember that I still hate both of you.

* * *

I have cut this into four fairly short chapters for easier reading. Now keep going!!


	2. Chapter 2

Whoo! Second chapter! BEHOLD!

* * *

The Story So Far According to Jonathan Crane: No, I swear. Aprons _are_ unisex! I don't know what the Joker is making a big deal of……...Story? Oh right! So I have this ingenious plan to poison Gotham with my fear toxin through Christmas cookies. It's a flawless plan! Having the Joker and Harvey help me can't be _that_ bad, right? ………………………RIGHT?!

The Joker, Jonathan, and Harvey were all cramped inside the small kitchen. Each of them was bumping into each other and Crane was about to rip someone's head off in frustration.

Crane: No, no! Harvey, you're making the icing too uneven! The icing should be spread evenly on all of them! Can't you do anything right?!

Harvey's eyes begin watering as he is about to cry. Crane was being a major hard-ass.

Crane: The eggs should be cracked _low_ to the bowl. Otherwise it'll be messy. Common sense! Don't you know anything?

Joker: If you don't let me crack this egg the way I want to, I will be cracking it into your face.

Crane: No, no let me do it! How about you stir the mix?

Joker: _Yes, Master Craaaaane._

Crane: Stir it _well_. Harvey!!

Harvey: (throwing the icing down) What now?! Don't like my cookie icing penmanship?

Crane: No, you're using the red icing on the Christmas tree cookie.

Harvey: ……..Well maybe I want a red Christmas tree cookie alright?!

Crane: It's wrong!

Joker: Oh Harvey Harvey, Christmas trees aren't red. And Johnny Johnny…stop being a perfectionist. Are you this way with all _your_ plans? You must be one tough character to live with.

Crane: I don't want any screw-ups. Besides, I was the one who told you two to leave so if you don't like the way I do things, please leave. AND STOP EATING THE COOKIE DOUGH!!!

Joker: Oh. Right.

Crane: I can't believe you talked me into allowing you to help.

Harvey: I can't believe I wanted to help to begin with. Baking blows.

Crane: Now I'm spending my Christmas Eve baking with two freaks.

Harvey: Hey, I'm the most normal one here.

Joker: And I'm not a _freak_. I just do what I want.

Crane: Liking eating my cookie dough?

Joker: Precisely!

Cue Jonathan's breaking point………….now. Crane immediately slammed down the large stirring spoon and turned to the Joker. He grabbed the Joker's Santa hat off his head and flung it out the window. Bad move Crane.

Joker: Hey!!! I stole that hate from a mall Santa! I want it back!

Crane: Too bad. Go outside and get it if you want. And maybe you can stay out while you are at it.

Before Crane could do anything, the Joker grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and had his knife out. Crane had his canister of fear toxin laying in the other room and no other weapon nearby so he was a little perturbed. This is what you would call friendship drama.

Joker: Are you trying to kick me out Dr. Crane?

Crane: That's the idea…

Joker: How would you like to hear a nice little Christmas story about how I got my scars instead, huh Doc?

Uh oh, the Joker didn't like losing his hat. Not at all. And Jonathan had nothing to fight back with. So Crane did the only thing he could do at the moment. With one free hand, he blindly reached out behind him and grabbed the first thing he could.

Crane: Let go of me Joker! I'm warning you I have a…..(pulls out object from behind)….spatula…?

Joker: ……

Crane: I have a spatula Joker and I'm not afraid to use it!!!

The Joker pushed Jonathan away and laughed hysterically. Oh Crane, you are hopeless.

Joker: Are you planning to spread icing on me to death?

Harvey: I think we should stop taking this so seriously.

Joker: Hehehehehe…Oh Crane I would never hurt you! You are too much fun when you get angry. And Harvey it right, for once. It's Christmas Eve! Enjoy yourself!

Crane: I'll enjoy myself when the job is done. Right now we need to finish this.

_Knock knock_! The three of them quickly turn to the door (which has MAGICALLY repaired itself because _anything_ is possible in fanfiction!).

Crane: Oh great, did you invite others to crash my hideout?

Joker: Actually whoever is there has nothing to do with me.

Crane opens the door slowly and suspiciously lest the Batman be on the other side ready to beat him bloody. It wasn't the Batman, but nonetheless it was something bad. Crane scowled……CHRISTMAS CAROLERS.

Caroler 1: Hi there neighbor! We're here to spread the Christmas joy!

Crane: Actually I'd rather not—

Carolers: WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS! WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Crane: AUGH! (slams the door shut)

Carolers: (still audible from outside) WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS! AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Crane: GO AWAY!

Joker: HAHAHAHAHA!!! Let's kill them!!

Crane: I don't want a living room covered in blood. I'm doing my best to keep this place in livable conditions.

Joker: Would you rather sing with them instead?

Carolers: Siiiiiiiiilent niiiiight hoooooly niiiight.

Crane: I SAID GO AWAY!!

Harvey: Why not just offer them some of your fear cookies?

Crane: No, no…Wait! I have an idea! I'll give them some of my fear cookies! Hah! They'll run screaming!

Harvey: But that's…

Crane: Quiet Harvey, don't interrupt my intellectual musings.

Crane opens the door where the carolers are still singing.

Crane: Erm, very…nice. You all sound…great. How about some Christmas cookies? (holds out plate of cookies)

Carolers: Yay! Thanks! (they each take a cookie)

Joker: (popping up from behind Crane) How about you come inside for some warm milk and a nice, happy story by the fire too?

The carolers freeze in fear as they realize it is the Clown Price of Crime himself who is standing in front of them. They drop the cookies and flee in terror. Aww, they didn't even get to try Crane's delectable treats.

Joker: No story? I promise I'm not _that_ bad of a storyteller! They're the stories _everyone's_ been screaming about! No, come baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!

Crane: JOKER!!

Joker: What? What did I do?

Crane: Couldn't you at least wait until they tried my fear cookies?

Joker: Aww, is the scary little Scarecrow sad that I stole his thunder? You should take a lesson from my methods. See, I don't even need a fear poison to make people fear _me_.

Crane: Your methods? You're a savage, Joker. Now, I have to get back to my work.

Joker: (sticks tongue out at Crane and notices a book at his feet) Hey look! They dropped their book of Christmas carols.

Crane: (groans) You better not.

Joker: Hehe-haha better not what?

Crane: Sing.

Joker: _Sing_? Well what a spectacular idea! WE WISH YOU A SCARY CHRISTMAS! WE WISH YOU A SCARY CHRISTMAS!

Harvey: Fuck, now you got him going.

Crane: I didn't mean to. Joker quit it.

Joker: WE WISH YOU A SCARY CHRISTMAS AND A BLOODY NEW YEAR!!! AHAHAHA-HAHA-HEHEHE!! Now everybody! HAHAHA!!!

Crane was just about to throw the bowl of batter at the Joker when he saw something even better to chuck at the psycho clown. _Pie_.

Crane: (picking up the pie) TAKE THIS YOU PSYCHO CAROLING CLOWN!

The pie flies DRAMATICALLY through the air, right across Harvey, right across the cookies, right across the little remains of Crane's patience with the Joker, and directly into the Joker's face.

_SPLAT_.

Silence. Crane looks at the Joker. The Joker looks at Crane. Harvey looks down at the cookies. Harvey just wanted a cookie. Just one. Then Crane realizes what he just did, realizes that he just hit the most dangerous psychotic killer ever in the face with a PIE. A pumpkin pie to be exact. It was oozing down the Joker's stunned face. Uh oh.

Crane: …Oops.

Joker: …….

Crane: …Stay away from me Joker. Don't take one step towards me.

The Joker takes a step towards Crane. Crane flinches. Harvey continues gazing at the delicious cookie. OH THE TENSION!!

Crane: Okay…that's far enough Joker! You had it coming!

And another step! And another! And another! Pie chunks fall to the ground and charcoal eyes fill with bloodlust! Defenseless Crane! Hungry Harvey! Will this ever end?!

Joker: (coming right up to Crane) You Doctor Crane are…A COMEDIC GENIUS!!!

The Joker laughs harder and creepier than ever as he wraps his arms around Crane in an awkward embrace.

Joker: AHAHAHA-HEHEHE…Why didn't I remember it? Pie in the face! It's the greatest _side-splitter_.

Crane: Er, thanks? Can you let go of me now?

Here's Harvey's chance! They're distracted! Harvey sneakily reaches for a cookie.

Crane: HARVEY THOSE COOKIES AREN'T FOR YOU! They're for the doomed people of Gotham.

Harvey: Just one?

Crane: No Harvey.

Harvey: Just one as kudos for finishing the cookies?

Crane: No, you get nothing. Wait, we finished? The cookies are all finished?

Harvey: Yes! Now can have one? And maybe go relax? This is exhausting…

Crane: That means we can finally start on the cupcakes

Joker/Harvey: Cupcakes?

Crane: Yesssss. _Fear_ cupcakes.

* * *

To Be Continued...NOW!


	3. Chapter 3

The Story So Far According To Harvey: All I wanted was ONE cookie! Just ONE! And Crane wouldn't even give me that? Why doesn't anyone want me to be happy? Why doest he world always spit in my face? What have I done to deserve all of this? I was always a good person. I was even selfless! Where did it all go so wrong? I mean, really! Blah blah blah…(insert more melodramatic prose here)

Joker: Jonathaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

Crane: Joker, I've warned you about saying my name with an extended vowel. It's so childish.

Joker: We have been at this for two hours now!

Crane: Your point?

Joker: If you're going to keep me here, I demand to at least be fed!

Harvey: Hey, I'm on a roll here. Look at these cupcakes!

Harvey holds out the tray with all the cupcakes he personalized himself. Strangely enough half of the cupcake was slathered in butter cream and the other half in the red colored frosting.

Harvey: I designed them myself.

The Joker and Crane look at each other and exchange a glance. There was no need to comment. The silence said it all.

Joker: Ahem, well. I want something to EAT!

Crane: Make something yourself. I'm going to continue this until the job is done. If you want something, look in the fridge.

The Joker mumbled angrily, walked over to the fridge door, and opened it. For being a full-time villain who was always on the run, Crane sure had quite the fridge full of food…but he had his own acquired tastes; and it wasn't one that he shared in common with the Joker.

Joker: CRANE! What is this?!

Crane: (leans over to see what the Joker is holding up) They are called _Lean Pockets_. It's microwavable food.

Joker: I know what they are! But LEAN? Haven't you the decency to at least buy the regular Hot Pockets? Oh? And what's this? VEGGIE PATTIES?!

Crane: They are healthier than meat, Joker.

Joker: How do you survive like this?! Light Mayo? Too good for the original fat-filled mayo, are you Jonathan?

Crane: Look, if you have a problem with my food then don't eat it. Simple as that.

But the Joker wasn't done making fun of Crane's food supply.

Joker: Salads, light yogurt, fruit, low fat milk, juice…CRANE I AM GOING TO BLOW UP YOUR FRIDGE IF IT DOESN'T YIELD SOMETHING GOOD TO EAT RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!!

Harvey: Sounds like someone likes to watch their figure. You're a mental health doctor, not a physician.

Crane: Well, excuse me for doing something good for myself.

Joker: You know I have a major sweet tooth. Anything with sugar around here? Anything at _all_?

Crane: I have…..fruit.

The Joker glared at Crane momentarily before he grabbed a chaired and smashed it against the wall. Not that he was angry; it was just something for him to do. He did the same with the three other chairs. Neither Crane nor Harvey flinched. They stood over the cupcakes and spread the frosting ignoring the mess the Joker was doing.

Crane: Oh woe, the child is having a tantrum because he can't have any candy.

Joker: I hate your hideout Crane! I'm going to burn it to the ground!!

Crane: You already did that to my previous hideout.

Joker: Fine, then I'll infest this place with roaches and bugs!

Harvey: Vengeance through insects…hmm, creative.

Crane: If it makes you feel any better, you can order take out. Child.

Joker: (in a childish voice) Awwww you really, really mean it Mommy Crane? Is Daddy Harvey okay with that too?

Harvey: Chinese take-out!

Ah, good choice Harvey. It's a known fact that all villains have a liking for Chinese food. Seriously. The Joker skipped happily over to the phone and dialed the nearby Chinese restaurant.

Joker: I want an order of everything on your menu!...... That's right!........ Cash or credit? Er, how about you put it on Bruce Wayne's tab…..of course I know him! Ahh, we're close cousins! Geez.……..No this _isn't_ the Joker!.......I'll have you know the Joker is also a close cousin of mine and he's quite the fellow! Spiffy dresser, a humor to _die_ for, and he even has an _impeccable_ taste in ties!....No, I am not going to pass a message on to him! He's a busy person. Always, always busy….No I can't tell you where he's planning to strike next-Ah, look! Just get me my food! (slams the phone down and hangs up)

Harvey: Bruce Wayne? I knew him.

Crane: Isn't he that billionaire orphan?

Harvey: Yeah, that's the one. Why'd you place it under him?

Joker: Always have…and it's always worked. Hey, you ever get the feeling you just _know_ the guy? I've never met him personally, but I still get this feeling…

Crane/Harvey: Yeah, yeah!

Crane: I've never met him either, but I felt like I have.

Harvey: What could it be?

All three: Hmmmmmmmm……….

They stand there in deep, thoughtful silence trying to pinpoint this conundrum.

Joker: Something…about that Wayne guy…something….

Crane: I've seen him before, like I've met him…

Harvey: I've seen him around somewhere else…somewhere…

Joker: Yeaaaahhh… (snaps his fingers) AHA! I'VE GOT IT!!! I can't believe I didn't see it all along! It makes perfect sense! Everything! We've _all_ seen him!

Crane/ Harvey: Really?

Joker: Yes!! Bruce Wayne is…

Crane/ Harvey: _Is?_

Joker: -is in that new spokesperson on the campaigns for that new soda made from kittens!

Crane/ Harvey: Of course!!

Crane: That is why he seemed so familiar. It all makes sense now.

They each nodded approvingly to each other and resumed their cupcake making duties. Soon after, there was a knock on the door and the instant aroma of Chinese food. The Joker ran to the door excitedly and swung open the door. A lanky teen boy with a serious acne problem stood there holding the boxes of food.

Joker: (opening door) Well hellllo there.

The kid shrieked as he realized who he was standing in front of, dropped the boxes on the floor, and quickly ran away.

Joker: Wait, wait! You forgot your tip!! Teenagers these days don't know what's best for them.

The Joker closed the door and took the food into the living room. Harvey came in hoping for some food. Not that someone like the Joker would ever share.

Joker: What do you think you're doing?

Harvey: I'm hungry too. And you have plenty!

Joker: Who _ordered_ the food, hmm?

Harvey: But…but…I want some…

Joker: Harvey, it's a matter of principle. If I _shared_, what would that say about me?

Harvey: That you might not be a gluttonous pig?

Joker: Noooo, it would mean that I am as bad of a villain as Queercrow here.

Crane: (calling from the kitchen) I heard that Joker.

Joker: Good. You were supposed to.

Harvey: Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?

Joker: Get back in the kitchen with Crane.

Harvey: Fine, then you don't get dessert.

Joker: Oh boo hoo hoo. You're breaking my heart Harvey. HA-HA!

So Harvey returned to his baking duties and the Joker relaxed on the couch disregarding the others, although he did periodically go into the kitchen to laugh and sneer at them. A few hours passed as Crane worked productively. Still, there were only two more hours until he would have to anonymously drop the baked goods. Crane began muttering angrily about the time crunch. Unfortunately for him, that's when things became worse.

Harvey: I'd hate to break the bad news to you but…I think we're out of ingredients. The cupboards are all empty.

Crane: You sure?

Harvey: Yeah, there's nothing…oh wait! I found Top Ramen! Hah! Take that Joker! Looks like I _won't_ be dying of starvation.

Crane: But there's still plenty of fear toxin left. And I'm only about halfway done! This isn't good…This isn't good at all.

Joker: (walks into the kitchen) What seems to be the problem Queercrow? Burned your cakes?

Crane: We're out of ingredients and I'm not done! This is bad…what should I do now?

Joker: Well judging by that unusual disregard of my insult, this must be a big deal to you.

Crane: There aren't enough cupcakes and cookies yet…

Joker: Don't worry your little straw of a brain about it. I have an idea!

Crane: Coming from you, do I really want to know?

Joker: (puts his arm around Crane) Oh Johnny, Johnny, if you are ever going to trust me, let it be now. We're taking a trip to the grocery store!

Crane: (sigh) Fine. Harvey you are in charge here until we come back with more ingredients. And whatever you do, do _not_ leave the oven unattended.

Harvey: You treat me as if I have never cooked anything in my life.

Crane: No, I'm treating you a child, like the child you are.

Harvey: Oh……….that's worse.

So the Joker and Crane walk to the nearest grocery store. Oh, and yes, they are carrying some heavy firearms. The Joker runs in shooting intimidating rounds into the air… because all criminals have to. I guess it's some sort of rule to burglary. Scarecrow follows behind.

Joker: (running in shooting upwards) Hello there faithful grocery shoppers of Gotham! Me and my straw-filled accomplice—

Scarecrow: Ahem, that would be Scarecrow. _Not_ straw-filled accomplice.

Joker: (whispering to Scarecrow) Shh, you'll ruin the introduction. This is supposed to be a villain scare tactic. Ahem, (back to shoppers) we require some _victuals_ and we will be requiring our assistance in gathering them.

A fearful whisper wavered through the crowd. The Joker shot more bullets into the air and the crowd was immediately hushed. The Scarecrow grabbed a shopping cart and placed it in front of him.

Joker: Here is now our game will work. We will tell you something we want and one of you must bring it for us. For each item you _don't_ bring, I'll kill someone! Simple as that. So let's start the fun! And don't forget…SMILE!

* * *

GASP! Wondering what will happen next? Continue on and FIND OUT!


	4. Chapter 4

Final chapter in this wondrous Christmas tale. Pardon any grammatical errors. My eyes have turned to something of a pudding substance from being so long at the computer doing this. But who needs eyes anyways? Vision is so over-rated.

As always, I don't own The Joker, Jonathan Crane (Scarecrow), or Harvey Dent (Two-Face).

* * *

The Story So Far According To The Joker: Frosty the Snowmaaaaaaan had a very shiny nose and if you ever saw it you would even say DECK the halls with bombs of nitrate HA-HAHA-HAHA-HAHA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Oh right. Crane and I are holding up a grocery store because we need…things. I want a hippopotamus for Christmas!

Back at Crane's apartment.

Harvey was in the apartment all alone listening to the radio, the love song station to be precise. He was in deep concentration as he spread the frosting as nicely as he could over the cupcakes. Then his and Rachel's love song began to play on the radio. He began to cry. Poor emo Harvey.

Back at the grocery store.

Joker: First item on the list is…(whispering to Scarecrow) what's the first ingredient we need?

Scarecrow: (pulls out a shopping list from his pocket) Granulated sugar.

Joker: (to the shoppers) GRANULATED SUGAR! Time's a'tickin' people!

The crowd began to scramble as they frantically searched for the sugar. A small, nervous boy carrying a packet of sugar slowly came forward.

Boy: I-I-uh…(holding out a packet of sugar)

Scarecrow: Put it in the cart.

The boy quickly threw the packet in the cart and ran back into the crowd.

Joker: See? Easy, continue your compliance and no one gets hurt. Next item on the list is…

Scarecrow: Sprinkles.

Joker: SPRINKLES! We demand sprinkles! Get it or someone here _dies_!

A group of people scrambled once more as they ran to the sprinkles.

Joker: See here, armed robbery solves _everything_. Let that be a lesson to you Scarecrow.

Scarecrow: Well excuse me, I've always found robbery much too base of a crime.

Joker: Too good for robbery, are you?

Scarecrow: I consider myself so, yes.

Joker: And now look, just look at how much this helps you. I think you owe armed robbery an apology.

Scarecrow: (sigh) This is a one time thing. I desperately needed the ingredients in the name of fear research. But I hope we can get this over with already. I don't trust Harvey alone in my apartment.

Back at the apartment.

Harvey just never could get over the tragedies in his life. It was always just crying with him. And when he wasn't crying, he was mourning. And when he wasn't mourning, he was reciting to someone a heartfelt eulogy before flipping his coin to decide whether that person was to live or die. But at that moment, after listening to that love song, Harvey was feeling much more depressed than usual. He just wanted the feeling to go away. He had temporarily stopped working on the cupcakes and looked over at the tray of delicious looking sweets.

Harvey: Should I?

There was still one tray that they had not put the fear toxin into and those baked goods just seemed to entice him. That sweet, sweet scent and that promise of sugary warmth. But…no! They were Crane's baked goods. He pulled out his coin. He wasn't going to be able to decide on his own…

_Flip_.

Back at the grocery store.

The shopping cart was filled with everything that Crane needed to finish his fear baking. The Joker and Scarecrow were just about to escape with their cart of stolen groceries when suddenly they heard the distant sound of police sirens. Within a matter of minutes their getaway route was blockaded.

Scarecrow: Joker! Look what you did! Were you not expecting the police to arrive? We're surrounded and trapped in this store!

Joker: Relax, there is always an escape.

Scarecrow: Oh really? Fine, I'd like to see you find it.

Joker: Fine! I will! First off…

The Joker suddenly turned towards the people who were still cowering in the store.

Joker: Consider yourselves hostages. If any of you try to escape, you all die.

Scarecrow: Threats are not going to get us out of here.

Joker: I don't see you thinking of an escape.

Scarecrow looks around desperately looking for a means of escape. There was no way he was going to be caught and sent to Arkham again. No, not after he was so deep into his current plan. There were too many cops outside to be taken out with just a gun and a canister of fear toxin. No…looks like they were going to have to make a run for it. Then, Scarecrow noticed the large exit in the back. This was going to be interesting…

Back at Crane's apartment.

Heads.

Harvey picked up the tray of cupcakes and cookies. He turned off the lights and sat on the couch. He picked up a cupcake and stuffed it into his mouth.

Harvey: One…(picks up another) two…three…

Back at the grocery store.

It was a beautiful day. The birds were singing, the flowers were blooming, and the air was filled with the laughs of the Joker and shrieks from Crane as they burst out from the back store of the grocery. They had ordered the hostages to push their cart and now the two villains were racing down the busy street, Crane at the back pushing the cart along with one leg and the Joker sitting in the cart with all the groceries. Oh boy. The Joker laughed as the wind rushed passed them and the cars swiveled away to avoid hitting the two maniacs in the shopping cart.

Joker: Faster Scarecrow! We don't want the cops catching up to us!

Scarecrow: (panting) You want to try pushing this cart?

Joker: I see cop cars gaining on us! I think they found us!

Scarecrow: Tell me something I don't know!

Joker: Did you know that there's a large downward slope up ahead?

Scarecrow: WHAT?!

And suddenly the shopping cart was racing down the steep hill faster and faster and faster! Crane was yelling as they rushed down at incoming traffic and the Joker merely laughed as the air stung his face. The police cars became distant…and the brick wall at the end of the escarpment became closer.

Scarecrow/Joker: WALL!!!!!!!!

The cart collided head on with the wall and both the Joker and Scarecrow were thrown off. Ouch.

Back at Crane's apartment.

Harvey: …fifteen…sixteen…seventeen…eighteen…

Back with the Joker and Scarecrow.

Scarecrow: Owwwwwwww…I think I broke a rib…

Joker: (jumping/stumbling to his feet) Wow! Was that fun or what!

Scarecriw: I am never _ever_ going with you on a crime spree ever again.

Joker: That was _hardly_ a spree. I say we should do this more often! And it looks like we lost them.

Scarecrow: Oww…I feel terrible. Quick, we need to get out of here. Let's get the groceries and run back to my place.

The Joker and Crane picked up all of the groceries that had been scattered and rushed back to Crane's apartment before the cops found them. So after that amazing, daring, high-speed escape, the Joker and Crane returned to the apartment carrying the groceries.

Crane: No matter how much you try to convince me, I am never going to assist you in a crime _ever_ again.

Joker: AHAHAHA! Was the Scarecrow _scared_ of a little excitement?

Crane: No, it's just that—Harvey!!

But as Crane entered his dark apartment, he saw emo Harvey sitting on the couch stuffing cupcake after cupcake into his mouth.

Crane: HARVEY!!!!! What do you think you're doing?!

Harvey: Fuck off Crane! I'm comfort eating!

Crane: These are fear cupcakes, not comfort cupcakes!

Harvey: You don't know what I'm going through! You've never loved! You have no soul!

Crane whipped off his mask and threw it aside as he quickly lunged at Harvey.

Crane: Leave my baked goods alone!!

Crane and Harvey struggled against each other but Harvey was easily able to push off Crane. Jonathan fell flat on the floor and suddenly his attention was turned towards the kitchen.

Crane: Harvey…have you been watching the cupcakes baking in the oven?

Harvey: Err…um, of course I have…

Crane: Then why is my oven on fire?!

Everyone: GASP!!!

The three of them run into the kitchen. The flames are flying out of the oven and the heat is overwhelming. How did they not notice this before? Crane grabbed a towel and tried to beat the flames, the Joker laughed and giggled uselessly, and Harvey hid in the background because the fire brought back bad memories of that certain long ago incident with his face.

Crane: STOP STANDING THERE AND HELP ME!!! SAVE THE PASTRIES!!!

Joker: Stand back!! I found something to eat the flames with!! AH-HAH!!

The Joker jumps in heroically and fights the fire. That's when Crane realizes exactly what it was that the Joker with hitting the flames with. Crane grabs the Joker from behind and tries to pull him back.

Crane: JOKER YOU IDIOT! THAT'S MY MASK!!! LET GO OF MY MASK!!

Joker: Let go?

The Joker lets go of the mask and it falls into the fire. Crane shrieks wildly.

Harvey: Take this you blasted fire!!! This is for burning my face!!

Harvey to the rescueeee! He jumps between them with a fire extinguisher in hand and fires. Before they know it, all three of them are stumbling through the white foam of the extinguisher. Apparently inefficiency is a villain trait.

Twenty minutes later…

The three of them were sitting in the living room in silence. Harvey lay passed out on the couch from his sugar crash (that's what cupcakes do to you, man), the Joker was shaking the wrapped presents trying to guess what was inside, and Crane was rolling around on the floor moaning and groaning.

Crane: Auggggggghhhhhhh…whhhhyyyy….

Joker: You need to cheer up Doc. You know, laughter is the best medicine!

Crane: This is _not_ a laughing matter. My kitchen, my fear pastries, and my MASK are destroyed!!!

Joker: What do you mean? Your mask is still okay.

Crane: (lifts the charred and now falling apart mask)

Joker: Oh. Well look on the bright side!

Crane: (groans) What bright side?

Joker: Now you can finally get yourself a new mask! Better yet, how about you try something in a fully different direction, hmm? Wearing a bag over your head is just not cutting it. Keep up with the trends!

Harvey: (slowly waking up) Uuuuuugh…I feel sick. What happened?

Crane: You ate my creations, set my kitchen on fire, attacked us with a fire extinguisher in a crazy sugar fit, and finally you passed out on the couch.

Harvey: Wow. I did all that? I'm the coolest person that ever lived.

Joker: What's even more impressive is that you did it all in under thirty minutes! HAHAHA!

Crane: This is the worst Christmas ever. This is exactly why I did not want you two here. You always find a way to mess my schemes up.

Joker: Come on Squarecrow, it's the holidays! SMILE!

Crane: I'm not in the mood to smile.

Harvey: How about we open presents? Maybe that will cheer you up.

Crane: Presents? You mean, you all bought gifts?

Joker: Nooooooo, you see, Harvey and I just like to wrap random boxes in pretty Christmas paper. It's a new holiday hobby of ours! (throws Crane a present)

Crane: For me? I'm…not sure what to say.

Joker: Normal people follow by showing gratitude. You know, a _thank you_ maybe?

Crane: What a shame. I don't think any of us would fall under the category of normal people.

Crane unwraps the presents only to reveal a brightly colored box with a handle at the side. He cranks the handle and……._POP_!

Joker: HAHAHA-HAHA-HEHEHEHE-HA!

A little jester pops out of the jack-in-the-box starling Crane. Crane falls backwards and drops the box.

Joker: SURPRISE!

Crane: (getting back up) Gee thanks Joker. Oh and look…the little Jack is holding a knife in its hand.

Joker: Something for you to always remember me by.

Crane: Huh, I didn't know homicidal clown freaks were also sentimental gift givers.

Harvey: MINE NEXT! MINE NEXT! (throws Crane another gift)

Crane: Thank you Harvey.

Joker: Oh Mr. Crispy Face gets a thank you and I get an insult. I see how it is Crane.

Crane: I don't have to worry that Mr. Crispy Face will try and kill me at any moment he pleases.

Harvey: Hey! I'm insulted! I am just and dangerous and deadly as the Joker! People have a reason to be scared of me also.

The Joker and Crane exchange a glance and laugh. Harvey drops his head in shame and sheds a tear. No one ever takes him seriously.

Crane: (unwrapping the gift) It's a…….sweater vest?

Harvey: Tah-Dah! We all know how much you love your sweater vests!

Crane: Isn't that what you got me last year? And the year before that? And for my birthday too.

Harvey: …….Fine then don't accept my gift! I hate your sweater vests anyways!

Harvey snatches the sweater vest away.

Crane: Wait, and isn't that just one of my sweaters I let you borrow one night when you needed something to wear…and you never returned it?

Harvey: Okay. Okay. Let's not get into specifics about this. Is a sweater really worth throwing a fit about?

Crane: (snatching the vest back) Give me that back!!

Joker: Seeeeee Crane. Don't you feel a lot better? Do you feel the warm holiday spirit filling you?

Crane: Not particularly no. This is still the worst Christmas ever. I mean, even my mask was destroyed. I have a reason to be miserable.

Joker: Well maybe this one last gift will cheer you up. Both me and Harvey boy here collaborated on it.

Harvey: It took hours of long thinking and searching.

Crane: Oh no, you two _collaborating_? This can't be good…

The Joker hands Crane one last gift. He opens it very cautiously so that nothing will pop out possibly stabbing him, shooting him, or imposing any sort of bodily harm. But…wait! Could this be? Crane opens the gift and wrapped inside is an exact replica of his mask. An absolutely perfect copy, looking great and ready to use.

Joker/Harvey: SURPRISE!!!

Crane: I…I can't believe it! It's perfect! I…don't know what to say.

And for the first time in a long time, Dr. Jonathan Crane could genuinely say that he was happy to be acquainted with two psychos like the Joker and Two-Face. Jonathan was actually in the holiday spirit!

Joker: We stitched it together ourselves.

Harvey: Yeah so enjoy it!!

Joker: Go on…TRY IT ON!

And so Crane smiled and put on the new mask excitedly.

Crane: Fits perfectly and…hey wait…I can't see through this. I think you forgot to cut the eye holes. (tries pulling it off) Wait…IT WON'T COME OFF! Why can't I take this off?!

Crane can hear the Joker and Harvey laughing. What have they done?!

Harvey: Yeah, those are the wonders of super glue.

Crane: Super glue?! I HATE YOU BOTH!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I THOUGHT FOR ONCE YOU WERE BEING NICE!

Joker: Nice? _Mua_? Oh Crane. How long have you known me?

Crane struggles to rip off the mask to no avail so instead he jumps up and blindly reaches out to get a hold of his two enemies. The Joker and Harvey get up and run to door together still laughing.

Joker/Harvey: MERRY CHRISTMAS CRANE!!!!!

They run out the door and into the winter night. Jonathan collapses on the couch.

Crane: Yeah…Merry Christmas.

* * *

The End. Thanks for reading!


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